The annual ESPY awards are always one of my favorite nights in television. It is a great mix of comedy, inspiration, emotion, and of course the honoring of our modern day gladiators, the athletes. Jon Hamm (who to be brutally honest I didn’t know who the fuck was before the show) did his best to follow some great hosts in the past. Personally I thought he didn’t wow the audience or anything, but he kept it funny when it needed to be funny, and dropped multiple zingers when they needed to be dropped. I mean lets be real here Manti Te’o and Dwight Howard weren’t safe no matter who the host was. He also made some excellent transitions into awards, and made it clear that he was honored to be the host. Much respect Jon. Overall, Jon didn’t go H.A.M., but Mr. Hamm earned a solid ass B.
Team Hoyt– Winning the Jimmy V Perseverance Award. Such an inspiring story. Dick Hoyt is a hero in my book, and if he isn’t inspiration to get off the couch, well then your shit out of luck.
Bron– Go ahead and hate him because he is missing four rings, but LBJ stood exactly where he has been standing the past 3 years… on top of the sports world. The King walked away with Best NBA Player, Best Championship Performance, Best Male Athlete, Best Game, and Best Team. Not to shabby.
Christian Ponder– Ponder got more time on ESPN tonight than he will in the next 5 years combined. The ESPYS also reminded us that although he might not turn out to be a solid QB, he is still smashing a hard 10.
Johnny Fuggin Football– Oh what is that you say? I party to much? well do you mind if I add my “best college athlete” trophy onto my list of things to break when I’m blackout. Kid throws middle fingers up like its his job.
Ray Lewis– huge victory tonight for Ray, considering he MURDERED A MAN a few years back and still gets into the building every single year.
Clowney- It’s not so much that Clowney really won tonight, but its the fact that the other options for best play were much more deserving and they got screwed… so I guess he won. But like come on that new rochelle shot was unbelievable, not to mention Jesus Shuttleworth making the most clutch NBA shot of the season, IN THE PLAYOFFS. ‘Grats Clowney on the big play.
Colin Kaepernick– yes he did win best breakout athlete, which he has no business even sniffing that award, but did you see what he was wearing. I forget who said it but someone screamed that he looked like Bazooka Joe, and they were dead on. In the words of Shaq, “that is Hor-Awful, horrible and awful”.
Manti Te’o– Manti I really hope you have an unreal career, because if you don’t, you have a legitimate shot of being the most made fun of athlete of all time. Good luck buddy.
Eric Spoelstra– the only thing he really got credit for – besides losing “best coach” – is looking like Bruno Mars. Spoe, I highly suggest you stay away from Tyler, The Creator.
Scott Van Pelt– once again SVP didn’t get invited to the ESPYS. The world is a messed up place Scotty, keep doing you.
Overall, it was another great year in sports wrapped up by the ESPYS. Heres to 364 more days of action-packed action.
– Throc Morton